Wednesday, 2 November 2016

When the One You're Married to isn't 'the One'...


10 odd years ago when I married my husband, I was convinced he was 'the One'. He was the One I felt utterly safe to be my quirky self with. He was the One who seemed to always have the answer to questions like, 'Where did I put my keys?' Later, he was the One who held my hand during the births of our children and also the One whose simple calming presence gave me something strong to hold onto during some really tough times. He is the One I want to call when one of the kids does something amazing and the One who has helped me put my day to bed for nigh on 15 years. He is still all of those things, and I can't be thankful enough for the person he is. But as the years of our relationship have worn on, I have noticed holes in the whole 'he's the one' theory. Quite early on in our relationship, for instance, it became clear that he was not the One who wanted to share riveting conversation with me at any given hour of the day, nor was he the One who would share some of my greatest passions--long walks, fancy food, and politics. Later on, I learned (with considerable frustration) that he was not the One to call when I needed an sympathetic ear about how long the baby did or didn't sleep that day nor was he the One showing up with a cup of coffee or a ready-made meal when I was at the end of my rope. And, still he wasn't the One interested in riveting conversation, no matter how my topics varied and changed over the years. But I'm here today to tell you that he is not the One, but that is okay... And it is not only okay, it is GREAT actually.

Because if he had been the One, I never would have met some of the finest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing—people who LOVE to converse about everything from politics to diapers. I would never have needed to find someone to share my Tuesday walk-night with, a hobby that has become nothing short of a life-line over the past few years. I never would have had to challenge myself to sit with own thoughts sometimes rather than succumbing to the verbal diarrhea that I am so prone to. I never would have experienced the humility and honour of accepting those ready-made meals and cups of coffee from people who were not bound by a marriage contract to love and support me. AWESOME. It would never have been necessary for me to re-frame my familial relationships into the adult realm—a valuable and rewarding experience to say the least. Not finding everything I need from the man within the four walls of my home has pushed me to seek new experiences, new people, and new direction. I am immeasurably thankful for all the ways in which he is not the One.

I'm guessing he is pretty thankful for this little revelation of mine too. It is a pretty ridiculous notion after-all to expect one person to be all-things to you. In fact, I'm sure I have seen the look of utter relief on his face when my phone rings just as I am getting fired up for a political rant about something or other. And on the flip side, I am sure I'm not 'the One' for him either. I'm sure he's thrilled to have Tuesday nights by himself to watch all those scary shows I never let him watch. I'm sure as sugar not the One who shares his passion for sailing and who wants to accompany him when he want gets his blood pumping on a windy-day. I'm guessing I'm not the One who he most enjoys conversing with about the ins and outs of his job and, sadly, I KNOW that I'm not the one who gives him the quiet head-space he needs to put his own day to bed. But I am hopeful that this is all as it should be...

So to those of you out there who have found 'the One' that just keeps falling short... Take heart and know that no One person ever needs to be everything to you. There is so much more in this world than what One person can offer. My wish for anybody out there struggling to make their relationship with the One work is this...I hope you find two, three, or thirty people to share your life with—friends who will embrace the all the different aspects of your person-hood. I hope there are gaps in all of those relationships, and I hope no One ever completes you or makes you entirely satisfied. I wish you all the challenges and change that come with finding out that 'the One' is never enough.